You know you have puglove when . . .

You remember when Paula Abdul was a tap dancing pop star In recent years, Paula Abdul has gained notoriety for, among other things, slurring incoherently through myriad interviews, drinking something other than soda from those shiny red Coke cups that sit in front of the American Idol judges, selling a line of QVC jewelry, starring in a short-lived reality show on Bravo called Hey, Paula (on which she suffered a meltdown during one episode because she was "tired of people not treating me like the gift that I am"), offering totally useless critiques on AI like "I just love your spirit" or "You really made that song yours,” and giving (and then rescinding) a confession to Ladies Home Journal that she had had considerable addiction issues with pain medications, in particular a patch that delivered a painkiller 80 times stronger than morphine.
Who knew such a thing existed? I’m sure cancer patients around the world were left looking over at their morphine drips and thinking, what the fuck?


For those born after 1985, this is the stuff Paula is famous for, even though she did recently perform a single she wants to release (at the age of 46, which, in itself, is a pretty thirtybopper thing to do) on AI. Thirtyboppers, on the other hand, remember Paula Abdul as the artist behind hits like "Straight Up," "Cold Hearted Snake," and "Promise of a New Day." We remember the massively successful video for "Rush, Rush" in which Paula and then teen-icon Keanu Reeves (PS- where did he go?) adapted Rebel Without A Cause into a four minute mini-movie that even had a scene during the song's bridge with Paula and Keanu (as Natalie Wood and James Dean) "acting":

Paula: Can I ask you something? Have you ever been in love?
Keanu: If I was, I didn't know it. And you?
Paula: No. Isn't that terrible?
Keanu: Terrible? No. It just reminds you that we're all alone.

After this shared moment of existential angst, Paula and Keanu skip into an abandoned mansion where they light some candles, play hide and seek, run up and down a staircase, gaze at each other in a mirror, and finally cuddle on the floor. This is a song in which Paula extols her lover’s abilities to turn her senses all around when he kisses her up and down and she both candidly and emphatically insists that no one else has touched her so deep, so deep, so deep inside. Cuddling seems kind of anti-climatic given her lover’s supposed sexual virtuoso.

We cannot diss Paula, however. Aside from still using the chorus of "Rush, Rush" - rush, rush, hurry, hurry - to get her dogs to go potty on their walks, Ramona Narrow, like many female thirtyboppers, was a huge Paula Abdul fan. Saw her in concert. Four times. Still remembers her birthday (June 19, 1962) because she took a 30th birthday card and flowers from her parents' garden wrapped in foil and soggy paper towels to a 1992 concert . A security guard lifted Miss Ramona up to the stage to hand them to Paula and when Paula picked them up, thirteen year old Ramona burst into tears and squealed between sobs, "I love you!" Ramona also used almost two years of allowance savings (originally intended for buying a Nintendo) to go to the 1989 MTV Music Video awards with her babysitter when she found out Paula was performing.

Thirtyboppers remember that Paula was a huge, huge star. She sold over fifty million albums. What we also remember is that while she can dance in that sort of 80’s jazzercise way, Paula cannot sing. At all. The young kids that watch AI (and by young, we mean under 27) don't know that she sounds like a member of The Chipettes (especially Eleanor), Alvin and the Chipmunks' female counterparts.

Secure in our memories of her lackluster vocal talent, thirtyboppers find themselves amused that she is now a judge in a singing contest and wait for the day when some rejected potential contestant snarls at her, "I'm not taking any shit from you, lady. I saw your performance at the 1993 VMAs!"

Here's some Paula for y'all, back in her tap dancing days: